Almost two years ago when I commenced my university course, one of the first modules I studied was called ‘Developing Self’. As part of the course we were expected to attend a compulsory residential which in my typical introvert mode was actually one of my worst fears. I dislike events like that as the days are long and intensive and you are barely given a moment to yourself to reflect on your learning experiences.

The module was really interesting and I learned a lot about myself (reluctantly). When I say reluctantly it was because for most of the
module I felt uncomfortable about what appeared to be gazing into a mirror to take a good, hard look at ourselves. I think it was through fear that I didn’t throw myself into it more. For example it was suggested that we might like to put together a Johari Window (if you haven’t heard of one of these, they are a great tool to use in order to process what you know and don’t know about yourself). In order to complete this effectively, it’s compulsory to ask those around you, such as your colleagues for feedback on how they see you. For me this was a complete no go area, I lacked a lot of confidence at the time and it was like pressing on a self destruct button.

I’ve reflected on the experience since then and I came to the conclusion that it was because I was a coward that I didn’t complete the exercise fully. Don’t ask me why I couldn’t do it; it was a step too far.

Fast forward 18 months from there, I came across a friendly and very approachable coach on Twitter and after some chatting and emailing, we have established a formal coaching relationship. This is to help me find some focus about what I would like to be when I ‘grow up’ and to help me to develop some of my thoughts into something worthwhile.

As part of this contract, he conducted an intake session which explored my personal values and how they impact on my day to day
existence. I had no idea where this would take me but I faced my fears and did it anyway. In a nice way, the mirror was turned right around with spotlights, klaxons, the works. It was a completely new experience for me to see exactly what people see when they are around me. If you already follow me on Twitter then you are going to know what that looks like. I also learnt how consistent I am between my online persona and the real me. What struck me the most was some of my values that I’d perhaps overlooked previously and I realised that I was too focused on what I disliked about myself rather than some of my better points.

Since that day I have given the intake session a lot of thought and consideration and I’ve been able to take some really positive stuff from it. I’ve been inspired to do things that I didn’t think I could even attempt before, perhaps just because I’ve seen that there is some potential in there and because my confidence and self belief are on the up.

I’m starting my coaching later this month and I’ll probably blog along the way as it helps me to reflect. What I will say is that for anyone considering paying for coaching, if you can find the right person it’s a positive step to take, even if it does mean taking a look at yourself and seeing the good and the not so good.

Wish me luck on my journey! For anyone wishing to explore the option of coaching, I would recommend you to get in touch with Jon Bartlett /
@projectlibero on Twitter or via these contact details: www.projectlibero.com or email jon@projectlibero.com. Having spoken with Jon recently, I am aware that he regularly conducts taster sessions and that he’s got some capacity for new work. Please be sure to let him know where you heard about him and to say hi from me!

Tags: coaching, facing your fears, relfection, self belief, values
Filed under: Life Lessons

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately on personal resilience, happiness and well being. The purpose of this is mostly not for personal gain but for professional reasons, although it is rather nice to come across a new piece of knowledge or information that can help you to make improvements to your own life.

My manager sent me an email with a number of different video links and articles to have a look through. One of my favourites was a video link of a man called Shawn Achor and you can watch the clip for yourself here: http://tinyurl.com/6tpedlx

I’m not going to bore you with my version of the clip because I’m not likely to do it justice, however, Shawn talks about how you can improve your happiness by doing certain things on a regular basis. Some of these resonate with me because I have through my own experience realised what a difference they make when they pop up in my daily life. The key one for me is regular exercise (not rocket science at all I know) but it really does make a vast improvement to my emotional health and well being if I work out sufficiently. Another that struck me was the random acts of kindness and this is really where my story today begins.

I was heading out this evening to the supermarket when I came across a large black object in the road. The sun was shining quite brightly and so my vision was partially obscured. As I squinted to try and work out what it was, my first guess was a dog. I kept driving and it dawned on me that it was too big for a dog. I thought perhaps it was a person knelt down on the road. OK so that’s not a common sight on country road but hey, you never know. As I reached the object I saw it was a pig. Yes, you read that right. It was a large black pig, turning around in circles and looking completely confused in the middle of the road. I recognised him from a neighbours field (when I say neighbour I mean about half a mile or so away from us), him being the pig that my horse totally freaks at every time we ride past.

A useless fact for you here is that in the wild, pigs are predators for horses, hence the freaking horse. Anyway, back to the story. I left the pig where he was and drove back to the neighbour and tapped on the door. There was no one home. I drove back to the pig, put on my hazard lights and got out of the car. Mr Pig was really friendly, despite my hesitation about what I might be letting myself in for. I contemplated putting him in the boot of my car and driving him home but he was large enough to feed a very large family on rashers and chops, so didn’t fancy my chances. At that point, I phoned home and asked hubby to bring along a lead or a rope so that we could harness piggy and lead him to safety. Along came a car which pulled up alongside us to see if I needed help, all this time I was explaining to hubby why I needed a rope and rubbing his snotty snout up and down my trouser leg was a very friendly pig. Lots of people drove past and eyed me suspiciously like I needed the men in white coats to come and take me away. Mad lady, amorous pig in the middle of a quiet country lane. It just looked wrong.

By the time hubby arrived it was hailing large hailstones and I was already soaked. Poor piggy became even more confused until I worked out that he followed me around like a large, lovesick dog. There clearly is no accounting for taste. He was a pig obsessed. So we ran along the road back to his home in the storm, probably looking very comical and totally bonkers. I’m waiting for my lift to the hospital ward as you read. Hubby was almost rolling around the road with laughter as I shouted for the pig to follow me and he did. I tell you, some dogs aren’t that highly trained. We could have (almost) given Pudsey the dog from BGT a run for his money.

The moral of the story (I hope my random pig-tale (see what I did there) made you smile) is that random acts of kindness are good for the soul. I’ve ruined my boots running around in the hail storm and I was so drowned and cold that I needed a complete change of clothes but I’ll sleep tonight knowing that Mr Pig is safe and well. Yes I am completely mad but that’s what makes me who I am. It’s quite sad that so many people just chose to keep driving past.

Tags: happiness, randon acts of kindness
Filed under: Life Lessons

So the school reunion has been and gone. All that is left are a few sore heads and a random assortment of photographs to capture the moment. Am I in them? No. Do I have a sore head? No.  Do I recognise any of the people in the pictures? A couple. Am I still in touch with these people? Sorta.

Why?

Well it’s not difficult to explain why I didn’t find the prospect of driving an eight hour round trip for a three hour meet up in a Wacky Warehouse that attractive. I’m sure you’re with me on that one. Had I turned up, I’d probably have reverted to my eight year old self and taken to the soft play area where I could have sampled the slides and the ball pool. Drinking and chatting with a number of people I haven’t seen for years just doesn’t appeal.

I’m not a backwards facing kind of person. I am pleased to hear that they are all well and that life is treating them kindly. I don’t wish bad on any of them but I don’t want to go there. School wasn’t a happy time for me and dragging that all back up again seems a bit mean on myself. I do believe that people can change and it is unlikely that the school bully will still be that person, but hey, I’m just not willing to take the risk. Part of me thinks that had I had a real connection with anyone from school we would still be proper mates now.  I’ve forgiven those who picked on me and I’ve tried to forget how they made me feel.

So now they all think I’m anti-social. Well, I actually am quite a bit. I love my own company and being alone with my thoughts. Being an introvert I much prefer small, intimate gatherings than large ones where I have to force myself to move from one conversation to another (that is when I’m not hiding in the loo or the corner to get a breather). Being part of a big group does not come naturally to me.  There is nothing wrong with that either, knowing your limitations and accepting who you are is all part of being a grown up.

I would like to say that all this has taught me something. All I think it’s done is mentally reinforce that looking backwards doesn’t suit me. Perhaps I’m a coward not to have faced my demons, who knows.  There is already talk of another meet up. Perhaps next time I won’t get an invite but all I know is I won’t go then either. It’s not about them, it’s about me. I am heading in one direction only, that’s forwards.

Tags: facing forwards, facing your demons, growing up, school bullies, school reunions
Filed under: Life Lessons

This is a post taken and updated from my old ‘onatrainagain’ blog. It was quite popular at the time. I’ve refreshed it a little to bring it up to date because I thought it was good enough to share again. I hope you enjoy it.

Do people always see the ‘real’ you? I hope you know what I mean and that it’s not just me.

I’ve been going through a tough time recently. The kind of time that only happens to other people, you know, like people you see on the news. Now I’m not going to bang on about how terrible things have been but what I will say is that on most days I’ve felt like staying in bed because I don’t want to face the world. You may have noticed this because of my absence on Twitter, despite me trying not to let it change my day to day. I haven’t chosen to stay in bed and give up and this is because to carry on as normal is my way of coping with it. Only a chosen few know our circumstances and for the rest of you, I’m wearing my ‘all is well’ mask.

At work I am expected to portray an image of knowing what’s what, of leading by example and to be patient and tolerant at all times. This isn’t actually like me at all! Sure, I’m pleased to portray a professional outlook because that’s what I’ve worked so hard to be after all of my years in HR. At work, I’m happy (even when I’m actually grumpy underneath) and what is more I am patient and tolerant of people even when I don’t feel like being so. I was asked last week if it is possible for me to smile anymore than I do. My response was that I’m always up for a challenge. My smile may well be me overcompensating for how miserable I feel inside but that’s nobody’s problem but my own. Why should I take it out on others who don’t deserve it?

In my personal life, I am nothing like my work self. I have high expectations of people and how I think that they should treat those people around them. I can’t stand bitchiness, if you have something to say, say it to my face. Don’t make attempts to put me down or make me feel like I’ve done something wrong. Just come out with it. I don’t suffer fools gladly, if there is one thing that drives me mad, it is people who spend their lives thinking about nothing but themselves. I also can’t stand those people who grumble and complain about how bad their lives are when actually they have a lot going for them. Furthermore, if things are so bad, just do something about it. Don’t sit and complain about it, change things.

Why am I so different at work? I am confident that it’s down to more than just the fact that I get paid to do a job but I can’t put my finger on why I am so different other than it’s my ‘professional’ mask. There are consistences between my work and home self. I am well known at work for being direct and for being honest and I get respected for being that way. People like to know where they stand and those who work with me a lot know that I have no hidden agenda. So, when I give feedback, it’s genuine and meant in the best possible way.

At work, I’m organised, efficient and I plan everything right down to the last detail. At home, I’m messy, disorganised and I have no idea how I get from one day to the next without something going drastically wrong because I’ve forgotten to do something critical. I have nightmares that I’ve forgotten to pick my daughter up from school or that I’ve left my purse at home (I frequently do the latter). My head is just one pickled jumble of all the things that I need to do.

It goes deeper than this as I have realised that the person on my blog and twitter is the real me, speaking up for the entire world to see. There are no frills, no pretences and there is no fear. Yet, in real life, I lack confidence in my own convictions and much of the time I worried about whether people like me or not. I don’t have much clue about why the return of my blog has been so welcome and why you would all want to read what I have to say. Thank you all for the support because it has given me a small confidence boost and I’m flattered, truly.

There is only one person in this world who knows what I’m really like (much deeper than the blog goes) and that’s my husband. This is good because he knows the real me and he isn’t deterred! That man needs a medal.

What masks do you wear? From the masks that I can count of my own, I have a work one, a mummy one, a daughter/sibling one, a friend one and a real one. What I do know, is that underneath all of them, I am still the same. I’m sure there are more as I count them up and I’d be curious to know if you can relate.

Tags: being professional, dealing with difficult situations, mask, separating personal and professional feelings, separating work and home
Filed under: Old Posts Made New

A more difficult task of being a manager of people is dealing with the ‘bad stuff’, the stuff that us HR folk live and breathe because it’s part of our bread and butter. It’s not really ever something that you get used to or you become oblivious to dealing with, it becomes easier over time and with practice. You learn to live with it because if you don’t then it would eat you up and it would make you miserable. Perhaps if you don’t learn to live with it then the job isn’t for you. I get asked on occasion if dealing with things like this regularly makes you harder and a tougher person. It doesn’t in my case and the day it does, is the day I will question my motives.

The key to learning to live with dealing with situations like redundancy, grievance and disciplinary matters is being able to park your personal feelings and being able to bring out your professional self. Recently a manager said something to me that comes out all too often: ‘You know Fred, they are a really nice person. I like them’. Yes, I do know Fred. Fred is a top bloke, very likeable in most circumstances. However, if his role needs to be deleted from our structure or he’s done something really serious in terms of his conduct, then we have to face the consequences. That includes parking how you feel about something on a personal level and doing what you have to do professionally.

Years ago I worked for an organisation which was going through a restructuring exercise. I didn’t know it at the time but there was some tampering of files and deletion of evidence so that when certain individuals work was audited, it would throw up performance issues. We made redundancies based on that information and afterwards I could not live with the consequences of my actions, despite not knowing all the facts. I left soon afterwards because it wasn’t the organisation for me.

The point that I’m trying to make is that you shouldn’t have to sacrifice your own personal values and ethics in order to act in a professional manner. If you work for an organisation that you believe in then surely the rest will come.

So back to the point. Here are some tips from me on putting your personal feelings aside in order to deal with the difficult stuff:

• Remember that Fred is a human being. Treat him the way that you would like to be treated in those circumstances (yes, even if he has done something terrible) and Fred will respect you, even though you dismissed him. Being compassionate isn’t a sin.
• Think about what’s right, what’s ethical and what’s legal. What does the law say? What do your organisational policies say about Fred’s actions?
• Think about who you are hurting. If you have to dismiss one person to protect a whole bunch of others then common sense should prevail. What is the best thing for the organisation you work for?
• Don’t think about what a top bloke Fred is. This is irrelevant where formal organisational policies and procedures are concerned. Stick to the matter in hand.
• Be honest and true to yourself. If you work for an organisation that doesn’t go hand in hand with your own values, reconsider.
• Be nice. Yes you can be nice even when you are dealing with the difficult stuff. Some industries can be incestuous and you never know when you’re going to bump into that person again.
• Build a supportive network. Talking things through and sharing experiences can do so much good.
• What goes up, must come down. Don’t wrong people to make your own situation better. Remember what goes around comes around.
• Communicate relentlessly. Being clear and transparent earns you respect. Think about how you would like to be told about what’s
  happening and treated during that process.
• Model yourself on someone who you think manages well. This could be a number of people with little bits taken from each one, to
  make a new one.
• Be prepared to apologise if you make a mistake. Remember, none of us is perfect.
• Do your homework and be prepared. By preparing in advance you will be able to focus more on the task in hand. Write yourself an agenda or a short tick list of points to cover if that helps.
• Follow your gut. If it doesn’t feel right, then it’s not right. Go back and retrace your steps to work out why.

What hints and tips do you have for dealing with the negative side of managing people?

Tags: being professional, dealing with difficult situations, separating personal and professional feelings
Filed under: The World of Work